Relationship, Companionship or Single??

Thinking about the old age situation of whether to be in a relationship or whether to be single, often makes you wonder is it all actually worth it?

Is being in a relationship as fulfilling and completing as everyone makes it out to be? Or as romantic and passionate as those with no problems for public displays of affection continue to show us?

I seem to have an issue with being single, I feel lonely and always seem to be surrounded by people in relationships who always seem really happy and love being with each other. This affection and companionship is what I miss when I’m single.

Sex isn’t a issue, if I wanted that I could find ways of getting of it without much work to be perfectly honest, but the rest? That sort of feeling can only be felt when you’re in a relationship with someone who truly makes you feel like that. You wouldn’t get companionship from some random shag or one night stand.

The other slight twist is that I don’t particulary enjoy, or like for that matter, random shags. I find them really boring and not really worth the effort you have to put in to it, unless you are lucky and find some catch somewhere.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned and believe that sex is only good when its in a meaningful relationship etc, which I can understand. During what I would count as my one meaningful relationship we had the best sex that I’ve probably had in a long while and would quite happily not get any sleep and just make love all night.

Here comes my next problem; I’m a pretty independent person and have a wide circle of friends who I try to fit in alongside a demanding job, in which I work long shifts and nights / weekends etc. So if I was going to be in a relationship they would need to understand my job, and we’d have to work around my shifts to make sure we saw each other at least once a week, if not more. This obviously requires effort from both parties, and is the main stumbling block. They’d expect me to happily meet them after I’ve just completed a 12 hr shift, and being up since 4:30am, but wouldn’t make the same effort if they had to work an hr later at work, so I wonder why I should end up being awake for 20 hrs when they aren’t prepared to do the same with me? Or am I just being too picky and pedantic?

It’s not as if I’m unreasonable, I know my shifts up until February 2010, so I know when my days off, and what pattens I am on. So can easily sort things out around that, but they never seem to want to commit to anything even if we are supposed to be dating.

This turns the relationship (as it’s supposed to be) in to some sort of shag that happens on a casual basis, a f*ck buddy. So the whole reason of entering a relationship is lost, and its just like being single again…

8 Months In…

So, one of my last posts was about my quarter life crisis, an end to an era and starting to work for the London Ambulance Service as a Student Paramedic, and I have no idea where the past 7 months have gone to be honest!

First 6 months flew by what with my head in a book all the time, or so it seemed. But boy was it worth it. The exams were hard work, you felt like your head was about to explode but that aside it was rewarding to finally finish the last set of exams and be able to walk out of training knowing that you actually achieved something in the past 6 months. Within that 6 months including 2, 1 month, placements out on the road in the “real” world (A term most tutors seem to ignore), which I have to say were nothing of what I expected, and completely mind blowing. Hard work to say the least, but seeing people’s faces as we turn up with all the lights flashing and people seem to breath a sigh of relief, even the police do!!

Everyone before they work for the service, or if they don’t know anyone who works for the service has this big picture that we just zoom around on life saving missions, and go to loads of trauma and death. Yeah that’s about 6/7% of what our job contains. The remainder is the eye opening bit, I’ve just finished a row of 3 12 hour night shifts, and I’ve probably dealt with more panic attacks and drama queens in those shifts than most people outside of the NHS would deal with in a year. People having arguements with partners and then just sitting on the floor crying hysterically so much that they hyperventilate, people telling us to f*ck off and leave them alone even though they actually called us for help, people taking drugs and then not realising what effect it has on them, and then a 26yr old guy having a panic attack due to claustrophobia in Victoria Railway Station. Some of them you just want to slap and tell them to get over it. But we have to be professional and have their best interests at heart. Pick them up, dry their tears, calm them down, and then unfortunately have to take them to A&E as we have no other options open to us, especially not at 3am on a Sunday.

I guess as an emergency service, everything we turn up to is an emergency to that particular person, yeah in hind sight we can look it objectively and compare it to other jobs we’ve had, or have to do, but at the end of the day if a person feels that scared / ill / alone that they choose to call us, who are we to judge.  After all it’s people like that who keep us in a job!

Still, it’s a very rewarding job, and not one you can choose to do lightly. It takes up a lot of your time, especially at this end of the training, puts pressure on relationships wiht friends and partners, but once they start to truly understand what you do, then it all seems to fall in to place. Get the work life balance correct and you’re set for life really!

Quarter Life Crisis – By Brenda Della Casa in Play Magazine April 2001

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realising that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realising that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don’t recognise is that they are realising that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realising that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realise that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realise that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot don’t seem as fun.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realise is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Dating Outcomes

Talking to my friend Dee about dates, and the point of them he said that dates have three possible outcomes:

1) Its a disaster, awkward night. Both go home seperately and thats it, no more contact and sort of cross roads to avoid each other kind of atmosphere

2) Get on ok, and go home together. At least the night wasn’t an entire waste of time. Not really interested in meeting up again, but just have a good night and move on

3) Sparks fly, and 2nd date is organised before 1st has even finsihed. Going home together generally happens but not always compulsory.

Now looking at the above, is dating really that easy to catagorise? Can you immediately put all your dates in to one of the those headings? Unfortunately for most, yes you can. Majority of mine can be pretty easily shoved in to either 1 or 2, a couple being gently slid in to number 3, but not many. Now I didn’t always go home with them for number 2, but they were not as painful as 1 (I don’t want to sound like a complete slut)

 My arguement was that the people you meet for a quick drink and a fumble, does that count as a date, or is that just some prearranged booty call, with the ending already decided before the beginning happens?

Mates Dates

Reading an article in the paper, and talking to a few people that I know. It’s got me thinking about the craze of “mates dates”, whether it is a craze or people are just too lazy to make up their mind who knows, but its increasingly happening to a few people now, gay and straight alike.

I find the whole thing to be slightly confusing, if I’m honest, why would you invite someone on a date, or accept to go on a date with someone when you blatantly know you don’t fancy them? Is it so you can get a free dinner, or just get out of the house? Or perhaps, you are just not sure and want to see what the night is like to help you decide. This second one I’d agree with, perhaps for the first and second times you meet up. But when it comes to the 3rd or 4th times, do you really need to still make up your mind? 

I can vouch for this, and even now it still confuses me emensly! I was dating a guy for about 14 dates, over a few months, we got on really well, did loads together and things were going well. Then out of the blue, all of a sudden he drops the bomb shell “we get on really well, and I love spending time with you, but I just want to be friends, i’m not looking for a relationship” the whole thing left me reeling for ages! We are still friends, but still flirt and get on as if we are together which just makes the whole thing more hazey!

But then the other mine field comes in to play, how do you let said person down, and that you only want to be friends? Especially if you met up in the idea that you might fancy each other etc and things might happen, its going to be a hard discussion surely? You could always do the approach that a lot of gay men tend to do, which is the disappearing trick and just vanish of the face of the earth, that always works. Or maybe just be nice and tell them that you had a good time, but you don’t think its going to go anywhere.

There’s no point in saying that you are not looking for something serious, or to see someone regulary, otherwise you would have said that before you even met up the first time. Are we really that obsessed for sex, or companionship that we can’t meet up with anyone just for a coffee, or to be friends? If we do want that, we can’t actually tell them as they’ll probably not turn up for it!

End of an Era

So today, is the last day that I will be working in Hospitality again. Something that i’ve now done for the past 9 years, since I was 16 years old.

Quarter Life Crisis? Maybe, hence the whole massive career change from Sales to Student Paramedic for the London Ambulance Service. 3 years of pure hard work, blood and everything else thats going to be thrown at me, and will it be worth it? I hope so anyway.

For the past few years I’ve been drifting along from one job to another, not staying in one for longer than 6 months, although the current job I am in, I started in January, so am not doing too badly really. I even said that if I was to leave here it would be to do something completely different, and no one really believed me. 10 months down the line I prove them all wrong! I’ve always loved working in Hospitality but I guess after a while everything became “easy” and I’m not saying that to wind people up, but by 19 I was Conference & Events Operations Manager and then by 21 was Operations Manager of a hotel wiht people 3 times my age reporting in to me. Had to step down due to working myself in to an early grave and have since worked in wine bar, corporate catering, back to hotels again for 5* Boutiques and then to the hotel I currently work at for my last stint.

It’s going to be hard to leave the last 8 years behind, but something that I’m ready to do, 25 is a big mile stone, and I really wanted to do something wiht my life, and with my new career I think that is pretty much is sorted. I’ve been tempted to immigrate to Australia or Canada, and least with my new career I’ll be able to do this a whole lot easier, and I’m sure being a paramedic in Australia would have a couple of perks! lol

So as I sit at my desk for the last time, with the usual sense of boredom that I tend to have at work, staring at the clock waiting for 5pm has a new meaning all together today. No more of this hotel, or any hotel. No more having to serve guests food or deal wiht complaints because they don’t have any water, or the disco was too noisy, because at the end of the day, do we really care? Not really, no!

Tania Head

Having just watched the documentary about Tania Head, or the 9/11 faker, I have to stay that I was still moved by the whole programme, so much so that it made me well with tears.

I understand that the families of the victims, and also the actual survivors would feel betrayed by the deceit they faced from her, but when you look at what she actually did for them, it was all amazing. She was the one who got them entry to Ground Zero to have the well deserved closure they needed, to be able to see what was left of the World Trade Center, or the Pit as it’s now know, from which only 300 intact bodies were recovered.

This woman, although her means were amoral or immoral, brought together the survivors network, got the whole organisation working, and got in to the public. She organised state funding for it, and helped with the tours of the site. Once they exposed her as a fake, and people began to see what she had being through, the lack of self esteem, companionship etc you can kind of see what drove her to start her new life in the US.

The documentary goes in to detail about who she was, living in Spain, about family troubles etc, and about her moving to NYC to start this incredible life for 5 years before being exposed by the New York Times in it’s front page spread. Maybe she got greedy, if she’d had done the work but kept a low profile, she could be reveling in the glory still to this day, but getting big headed, or cocky maybe was her downfall? Having her personal tale being launched in the Daily News raised up questions and concerns that had being bubbling under the surface just made it easier for the NYT to delve into who she was, her apparent fiance, her job with Meryll Lynch etc.

One part i felt was very moving was when they were talking to the parents of a guy called Welles Crowther, or Red Bandanna Man as he was known, his parents talked about what he did as a trainee banker by trade, but helped people escaped, and as a direct response is recorded as an honorary fireman for the New York Fire Department, and is on the top of the list on their stone memorial to the firefighters that gave their life to help those in need.

The documentary ended with them stating that an email from a Spanish account had being sent to all those at the survivors network informing them that Tania had committed suicide, and yet they even questioned that. I understand the deceit she caused, and the embarrassment, but for someone who obviously did loads for the network, got them united and in the public eye deserves some credit, and some respect at the very least. There are not many people regardless of whether they had being through that or not, that would be able to stand and unite nearly 500 people to one cause, and to fight for that cause in the interests of the members with her…

Faker? Yes! Immoral? I’m not so sure…

Olympic Party 2012

So, the Beijing Olympics are over, the hand over ceremony to London. Boris taken the flag and trying (!) to wave it to signal we are taking over and all eyes on our City and Major. *groans* So all eyes are on a man whose suit is too baggy, doesn’t fit on the shoulders properly, and can’t have a straight tie. Not to mention someone who always seems to have the urge to shove his hands in his pockets!! Great, lucky us!

Boris aside, I really enjoyed London’s 8 minutes show, I think the iconic Red Bus was a good symbol and is something that is always related to our fair capital. The party in The Mall was a great thing to watch, having got there early was good to get in near the stage and see the We Will Rock You cast up close and personal *swoons*, although I was secretly that McFly and Claudia would all fall flat on their faces, sadly that didnt happen, but nevertheless it was an experience to be there and feel the atmosphere around London at that time.

People can slag of London and Londoners all they like, but so many people are proud of the fact that we will be hosting the most prestigious sporting event in the world for a record 3rd time, and the atmosphere on Sunday showed that. Everyone kind of joined together and cheered when we were given the flag, there were people from 3 yrs old up to 87 (i seem to attrach old women who think i’m their grandsons) and it was something that I’m really glad I didnt miss for anything. I’ve signed up to be a volunteer for the Olympics in 2012 and really can’t wait for it.

I guess all we can do now is hope that Gordon gets it built in time, although maybe the best opening ceremony would be Challenge Anneka getting the stadium finished??

Spiritual Readings

Just writing my “about me” section has got me thinking about things. I know some people that I talk to never really understand the whole reason about them and that they are just a phony or a waste of time. I truely believe that until you have a had a reading done you will always be sceptitical about their abilities and the meanings of what they can say to you.

I had my first ever reading done when I was about 18 and was strugglin with my A level exams, and had being reading about them for a while and decided to give it a go, and just see what it was all about. I sat in this room for about 30 mins with a man I’d never met before, never had any sort of interaction with my family or me, and yet he knew more about me then I did. I’ve still got the tape to this day, and still find it spooky and spine tingly that he knew so much just through mediums, my gaurdian angels or in this case both of my grandads. I was studying A levels in Maths, English, Business & Economics and General Studies (yawn) and my hardest subject was Maths, and in particular Mechanics. The medium picked up on this and said that I was to focus on the other subjects, and that my knowledge in other areas would pull me through. I was predicted to fail Maths, but passed because I was good at Pure Maths and Statistics. When I got my results and saw that the only reason I passed Maths was because of the other two units I rushed home and listened to the tape again, asking my parents about other details he was talking about and found them out to be true as well.

He knew that I was wearing a silver cross (I was wearing a roll neck jumper at the time) and reminded me that it was my Grandad’s and that it would mean that they were always with me. To this day I’m never far away from that necklace. If I don’t wear it out, it will be on as soon as I get in.

Cynical or not, there are some things that just can’t be explained, so why not embrace them?